One of the good things about not working for Nordstrom anymore is that now I get to be one of the customers catered to instead of one of the employees doing the catering.
It's a similar high I experienced after working for Starbucks.
Excuse me, I said DENSE foam. These bubbles are YUGE.
Oh, I am so very sorry, I'd always lie, let me remake that for you. And here's a free drink coupon for being such an uptight bitch. I mean, I'll be quick & make that switch.
Customers are irrational and entitled.
God bless America.
So now, it's MY turn to be annoying and incessant.
Yeah, I really didn't like this eyeliner at all and the blush really isn't my color so I'd like to return them.
Take that, you lipstick pusher.
I just got back from L.A. with a suitcase full of quality makeup and I don't need this crap anymore.
Um. I can't DOoo that, the goth wannabe whines in her valley girl drone.
There's like, NOoo packaging. How do I know you didn't get these at May-seees?
Uh.
Gee.
I don't know.
Because they don't CARRY M.A.C. at Macy's?
Is this a trick question??
I blink expectantly but Barbie Goth is resolute.
I just don't need them anymore. They're hardly used, I counter, with sincerity.
Yeeeeaaaah. I'm sawwry. But I like, just. Can't.
I continue staring at her because I'm still waiting for her shrill JUST KIDIIIIING! because when I worked for Nordstrom I had to return empty serums "that just didn't work" and if I didn't do it like a fucking cheerleader I got death stares from the twitchy meth addict posing as my boss.
My return totaled $34.
She was being a cunt.
I decided arguing with her was a moot point and just gave her the item I did have in a box so she'd at least process that return.
It was the eye shadow primer I'd always used and worked okay but after learning about some other incredible brands at the IMATS in Cali I'd chosen to use a different one.
And a lady really doesn't need two eyeshadow primers.
Not even makeup whores like me.
Your zip code is in BeaverTON? she hissed.
Whyyyyy are you shopping HERE?
Now I was getting REALLY annoyed.
If I wanted to return some $300 item she'd sold me yesterday?
I'd get the attitude.
But the primer was fifteen stupid dollars.
My boyfriend lives downtown, I replied, wondering why I bothered responding.
Because you kno-ow, there's Washington SQ-U-ARE and ClackaMAS. They have bigger counters. Maybe you should shop THEHRE.
WOW.
Seriously?
If anyone would have talked to a customer that way when I worked in the department they probably would have left work crying after the ass whooping they'd received.
What a stupid girl.
I walked away and then minutes later decided to return.
Excuse me? I cooed, all sunshine and sugar pops to the gal working for Chanel.
The gal that was just helping me, what was her name?
My smile was so overwhelmingly bright and eager she fully believed I'd enjoyed Barbie Goth.
Oh, that was Tiffany, she replied, her bright smile matching mine.
Wonderful, thank you. And does Tiffany have a card? I beamed even brighter.
She reached into their drawer and fished one out for me.
Here ya go!
Thank you. Thank you ever so, I feigned another smile.
Because some department manager is going to receive an anonymous note about the customer service they received and how they'll make sure to shop elsewhere, as they were instructed to do.
Because I happen to know that customer complaints are a yuge deal.
So please, lay on the attitude nice and juicy like, and see what happens.
I look forward to it, actually.
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